The Truth About People Pleasing: It’s Not Who You Are, It’s What You’ve Learned

I used to think I was just a natural people pleaser. Maybe you’ve said it too: “It’s just the way I am.”

But I’ve come to see something different. And I want to share that with you today.

Here’s the truth: people pleasing isn’t who you are - it’s a thought you’ve been paying attention to.

That might feel strange at first. Especially if people pleasing feels so automatic, like second nature. But it’s not inherent. It’s something you learned.

For many of us, it started as a way to feel safe, to keep the peace, or to avoid conflict. For me, growing up as the eldest of five in a difficult environment, I believed that if everyone else was happy, I could be too.

But that doesn’t work. Not really.

People Pleasing Is a Coping Mechanism, Not a Personality Type

We often wear our people pleasing like a badge of honour - we’re kind, helpful, selfless. But behind that badge, there’s often anxiety, resentment, and a quiet voice inside whispering “I wish I could just say no.”

When we chronically please others at the expense of ourselves, we’re not giving from love - we’re giving from fear. And that’s not sustainable. It leads to burnout, overstimulation, and feeling completely disconnected from our own needs.

You Can Still Be Kind Without Losing Yourself

Let me be clear:

Kindness is beautiful.

Compassion is powerful.

But there’s a difference between offering love freely and offering it out of guilt, fear, or the hope of being liked.

True compassion doesn’t deplete us - it energises us. If you’re feeling worn out from trying to keep everyone happy, it’s not compassion you’re giving, it’s people pleasing. And they are not the same.

What If You Didn’t Need to Be “Good” to Be Loved?

So many of us grow up believing that we have to behave, achieve, perform, or please to be accepted. But you don’t need to earn your place in the world. You are lovable, worthy, and whole just as you are - even when you say no, even when you put yourself first.

And yes, other people might not like it. That’s okay. Their reaction is about them, not you. You don’t need to fix their mood to feel secure in your own.

Want to go deeper?

This blog touches on just one part of a full session I’ve recorded inside my membership, All About People Pleasing. If you’ve ever struggled to put yourself first, or felt like you have to manage everyone else’s emotions, this session is for you.

💛 Join my membership to get the full video, plus voice note Q&As, live coaching calls, guest experts and more.

Join OUR Membership here to access this session from Wednesday 14th May 2025

Or, if you’re just starting out with this work…

🎁 Start with my free mini course: Break Free from Overthinking and Anxiety.

Get the free mini course here

Let’s start shifting this together. You deserve peace - not performance.